Confidence, After Being Bullied?

Getting Your Confidence Back After Being Bullied

It started out with just one person, then your whole friend group, or office jumped in. You were left unprotected by all of them and that in itself is not ok. They laughed at your outfit. Or made fun of your hair. Maybe they even commented about your intelligence. Maybe they laughed at the way you get excited for others and called you fake or called you a poser.

Funny enough, it's not always one of those, big dramatic moments. Sometimes it starts small. You begin questioning yourself and asking, “Am I really that way?” “Why do they hate me so much?” “What did I do?”

It can be as tiny as someone saying something about your clothes. Then someone laughs at how you talk. Then someone makes you feel weird for being excited about something. Then maybe someone leaves you out, rolls their eyes, starts a rumor, or makes you feel like you are too much, not enough, too quiet, too loud, too different, too sensitive, too awkward, too anything.

Geesh.

And after a while, you stop walking into rooms the same way.

You stop speaking up.

You stop raising your hand.

You stop wearing what you actually like.

You stop posting pictures.

You stop telling people what you care about.

You start checking yourself before anyone else even has the chance to judge you.

That's what bullying does. It doesn't just hurt your feelings for a day. It can make you question yourself in ways nobody else can see.

And if nobody has told you this clearly, let me say it now:

What happened to you may have affected your confidence, but it did not take away your worth.

They may have taken your spirit temporarily, but know this:

You are still you.

You are still valuable.

You are still allowed to take up space.

You are still allowed to be seen.

You are still allowed to speak up.

You are still allowed to raise your hand.

You are still allowed to know things, do things, try things, and become more than what they tried to make you feel.

You are still allowed to become confident again.

Maybe you do not feel that yet. That's okay. Confidence doesn't always come rushing back like a movie scene where the music gets loud and suddenly you are unstoppable.

Confidence has to be rebuilt.

One choice at a time.

One brave moment at a time.

One day where you decide, “I am not going to let what they said be the final story about me.”

The first step is to get around people who support you. People who would never stand by and let others hurt you physically, mentally, or emotionally. That's exactly where you start. It is time to take matters into your own hands, and I do mean that quite literally.

First, you have to understand this was not your fault.

When people are bullied, one of the first things they often do is blame themselves. And because they are ashamed they often don't tell anyone who can help. Sure they may tell a friend, but a friend may not have the tools to get you through it, let alone the emotional know how,

You may wonder, “Was I too weird?” “Did I say something wrong?” “Did I deserve it?” “Should I have changed?” “Why did they choose me?”

But bullying is not proof that something is wrong with you. Bullying is proof that someone else chose to treat you badly.

And frankly, there is something wrong with people who choose bullying over kindness.

You have to get yourself ready. The truth is, it may be lonely for a minute. But now is the time to rebuild.

Are you wondering how?

First, hear me clearly:

You were never the problem.

And I am going to throw this right in your face with love. The people you surrounded yourself with may have been the problem. You may have been trying to belong in a circle that was never meant for you. You were surrounding yourself with people who did not deserve access to your heart, your energy, or your confidence. Sometimes we have to go through that to learn who actually does belong in our lives.

So ask yourself this:

When you were going through it, who defended you?

Who stood up and said, “You are not going to treat anyone this way”?

Who checked on you?

Who made sure you were okay?

Who reminded you that you mattered?

If someone did that for you, that may be someone you can keep in your tribe.

But for now I want you to look outside your normal circle for a minute. I want you to write down five things you think you would love.

Is it dance?

Is it art?

Is it writing?

Is it gymnastics?

Is it singing?

Is it softball?

Is it soccer?

Is it a trade or skill you want to learn professionally?

Start by getting involved in something where other people are interested in the same things you are. Find people who have better things to do than be mean. Surround yourself with people who are motivated, kind, creative, and growing.

The more you surround yourself with people who are more like you, the more confidence you will begin to get back.

It is not going to be easy at first. But please try.

Learn a skill. Join a group. Take a class. Show up somewhere new. Put yourself in places where people are working toward something, building something, practicing something, or dreaming about something.

Because when you share a space with people who care about the same things you care about, you begin to realize something powerful:

There are people out there who will support you.

There are people who will respect you.

There are people who will want you to be exactly who you are.

And honestly, it really doesn't matter anymore why the bullies did it.

Maybe they were mean.

Maybe they were ignorant.

Maybe they were insecure.

Maybe they were disrespectful.

Maybe they were trying to make themselves feel bigger by making you feel small.

None of that makes it okay.

And none of that makes it your fault.

Confidence is not only for people who had an easy life.

Sometimes the most confident people are the ones who had to rebuild themselves after someone tried to break them down.

That can be you.

You don't have to pretend bullying did not hurt you. You don't have to act like you are fine if you are not. But you also don't have to hand your whole future to the people who hurt you.

They do not get to decide who you become.

They do not get to decide how bright you shine.

They do not get to decide if you are lovable, beautiful, smart, talented, worthy, or important.

They had an opinion.

They did not have authority over your life.

And they do not get the final say.

By the way what you are going through may feel like your life is over. But you can come out the other side and stronger and better than ever. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you mentored others who may go through what you just did. Turn your mess into a comeback. Make it a purpose to help others through. Create a new purpose for your life, make it your life's passion project then you can be at peace and thrive again. YOU can do it! Sign up for a one on one phone conversation 30 minutes and tell me what you went through and I feel confident I can help you move past it. Email Teri contact@livingwithteri.com

— Teri

Living with Teri is about the messy, real, human parts of building confidence, at every age. If this one hit home for you, or for your kid, you're not alone in it. Let Teri help you through it. Sign up for a one on one phone conversation 30 minutes and tell me what you went through and I feel confident I can help you move past it. Email Teri contact@livingwithteri.com