From People Pleaser to Powerful: How I Stopped Shrinking Myself

When I was a whole lot younger I was so in love with this guy. But like most teenage girls I had zero confidence. Part of my issue was I didn't have a father in my life to show me how I should be treated, and mom bless her, she worked so much that by the time she was home she was exhausted. So in stepped Carol and Mike Brady my tv mom and dad. Later it was the Huxtables and the Connors. So the love of my life goes off to college in Mississippi. I remember it like it was yesterday. I would call him and I would always say, "Am I bothering you" Or "I'm sorry if this is a bad time".

Well it didn't stop with him. I found myself apologizing for things that didn't even require an apology. Like someone would bump into me and I would apologize. It was like those the words had taken over my mouth long before my brain even had a say. The sad part is… no one told me I had to live like that. I just quietly learned how to shrink myself. How to soften my edges. How to be easy, agreeable, flexible, unproblematic. I was so busy trying not to upset anyone that I never noticed how much it was costing me.

You know as I look back now I can see it so clearly. I wasn't just being polite it was like I was asking permission to breathe. I was checking to see if I was allowed to take up space in someone else's world. If I was allowed to speak. If I was allowed to need anything. Could I take a breath without feeling like I was inconveniencing anyone? Here is what is so messed up about it, I didn't even realize I was doing it. It became a reflex just like blinking, and later became part of who I was. And the message I was sending out to the world was, I am not strong enough, confident enough or brave enough.

You know if there was a moment of tension, I would apologize. Even if it wasn't by any fault of mine. Somewhere along the line, I decided other people’s comfort was more important than my presence.

That people pleasing, served me well, so I thought for a very long time. I got along with people really well. Then one night I went out with a super close friend and in front of our other friends she said something to me that caused me to feel badly about myself. i don't remember the exact thing that was said but I do remember feeling really bad. Other felt it too and some even stood up for me. Apparently I was too week to stand up for myself. It was that night that I thought, wow, she is super mean, I am the easiest person on the planet to get along with. I remember apologizing for whatever it was. That's when another friend shouts, you have nothing to apologize for.

Like I do, I studied this at the UC library and the downtown Cincinnati library trying to find the psychological reason for this. There had to be one right? Well, yes, yes there is...I found so many psychological reasons that it was overwhelming and I never actually found one I thought hmmm, that's why I do that. But I did find a lot of us grow up apologizing for things that were never ours to carry, and it usually starts long before we even realize it. Sometimes it comes from trying to keep the peace in a stressful or unpredictable home, or from being taught—especially as girls—to be polite, agreeable, and easy to handle. Some of us learned to shrink ourselves because it felt safer, or because we didn’t have strong examples of boundaries or healthy conflict. For others, it comes from low self-worth, fear of disappointing people, or the belief that love has to be earned by being “perfect” and never taking up space. And honestly, it doesn’t always matter whether you grew up with a father, a mother, both, or neither—it’s more about what was modeled for you emotionally. When you grow up feeling like you need to be small to be accepted, “I’m sorry” becomes a reflex, a way to stay safe, a way to protect connection. It doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you adapted to survive the environment you had. And the beautiful part is, once you see it, you can slowly unlearn it.

One of the biggest turning points for me was discovering Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Pulling Your Own Strings. That book hit me in a way I didn’t expect. It was like someone finally handed me a mirror and said, “This is why you feel the way you feel.” Dyer talks so clearly about how we give away our power without even realizing it—through over-apologizing, people-pleasing, saying yes when our whole body is begging us to say no, and letting others’ expectations dictate our choices. I didn’t even know how often I was letting life “happen to me” instead of taking an active role in shaping it. His words helped me understand that my constant apologizing wasn’t kindness… it was conditioning. It was survival. And it was okay to stop.

What really changed for me was the way Dyer explains personal freedom—not as something you fight for, but something you quietly reclaim, moment by moment. He made me realize I was allowed to have boundaries. I was allowed to protect my time, my emotions, my energy. I didn’t have to shrink myself to make other people more comfortable. And for the first time, I felt like I had permission to take up space in my own life again. That book didn’t just help me stop apologizing; it helped me remember that I am a person with needs, feelings, preferences, and value. And honestly? That was the first step in becoming a strong, brave capable women!

It's a good thing I love to read or I might still be apologizing and owning others stuff. This is one thankful reading nerd.